December has always been magical. From the chilly nights filled with laughter and s’mores, to carols being sung on every radio station, December has always been full of joyful wonder.

But there’s something else about December… It has always captivated my heart or broken it.

December has been the source of so many of my beginnings and of so many endings.

It was the beginning of my life, on a cold morning on the twelfth of the December, I came screaming into the world. Every birthday in recent history has been the exchange of a gentle end and new beginning as my wish for growth each year changes with what I’ve learned or what I need most.

One of the most devastating fall-outs of my life happened in December. I lost a good friend at a time where I thought the dust of our tumultuous relationship was beginning to settle. That hurt settled in for the month, marring my birthday, the holidays and causing me to end that year at rock bottom. I’m not fond of who I was then, and not proud of most the decisions that I made that December. I woke up heavy in January, carrying the weight of December, a weight that I chose to carry for months thereafter.

I chose my freedom, I chose happiness, I chose self-assurance. Why? Because I came to terms with the fact that no one was ever going to have me, but me. I found strength, in looking for strength. It came through mediation and self introspection. It was a result of taking my life and dissecting it to see where I had been, and pave the road for where I want to go next.

This last December, part of the road was completed. A degree was now under my belt and I could decide, once again, where to go next.

Last December also brought changes in the wind. I left behind several things that were not for me. Things that never filled my soul to begin with, but the old me craved that “normalcy” that I was so accustomed to, I convinced myself that they were meant to.

Last December brought me peace as I pressed my lips to a cup of hot cocoa.