It’s only taken 30 years, but recently I discovered I have a super power.
Now, before you get ahead of yourself… No. I was not bitten by a radioactive spider, I was not part of some science experiment gone wrong, and I certainly am not some wealthy billionaire with a secret tech lab.

No, my superpower is a lot simpler, and honestly, it’s probably not even that remarkable.

My heart is my superpower. My ability to love, and share that love with others is my superpower.

My heart has loved in many ways. From my first loves, my parents. To my first love. To the love that ushered in an era of a different kind of love, my son. In recent years, I’ve grown to love myself, and more recently, discovered the love I never thought I was capable of.

This is probably the part where I tell you, it’s not all love and light, and like an good superhero, I’ve got to have a weakness. Well, in this case, my super strength, is my super weakness and my heart was not immune from experiencing it.

My first love and my first heartbreak was my parents. My parents were never perfect by any means, and their love didn’t give me a solid foundation for what love is, it actually did quite the opposite. I know what love isn’t because of them, and for that, I’m thankful.
Now, this is not to say that my parents are terrible people. They aren’t. They are, however, human, and humans make mistakes. I have only ever “called it like I see it” throughout my life, and as I reflect, I realized that my father has become a huge part in my realization of what I never want to experience as someone’s wife. Again, this is not to say that he’s a horrible person or that my mother is perfect, because she isn’t. But I can only go on what I experienced as a child, and his past actions specifically manifested itself into my life in ways I never thought were possible.
Witnessing what he’s done to my mother firsthand really set the tone for me in so many ways. Again, it has taught me what I never ever want to experience for myself.
I must say, though, I’m happy and proud that he’s finally found someone to be a better man for, and that gives me a glimmer of hope.

16 year old me, was a complete idiot. I gave my heart to the wrong person and it had damn near disastrous consequences. I learned a lot, though. Again, I learned more of what I never wanted to experience again. I learned what it was to deal with emotional and mental abuse, and that no matter how much you try, you can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to be fixed.

From 16 to about 26, I tumbled through different relationships, from casual to more serious. Throughout all that time, my heart was battered and bruised, and it was constantly putting itself back together and all the while becoming stronger.

At 25, I had my son, and while for most women it’s the happiest time of their life and they’re just so full of love, I was empty. I was void of all emotion. I was stuck in “struggle love” and I lived in such a constant state of lack that it took me down the darkest path I have ever walked.

27, though. 27 was an awakening.
The love I found in myself is probably one of the strongest loves I’ve experienced. There’s an immense gratification that you get from self-love. That’s probably because it’s had to be planted, watered, tended to, and nurtured by no one other than myself. And it has seen me through the darkest time of my life, and saved me from death. It’s the love that picked me up by the bootstraps, and made me face myself in the mirror. It’s the love that put dreams into action, and launched me into countless successes, the biggest of all, learning to love my son.

It’s really remarkable to have a heart that loves the person it resides within just as much and maybe a little more than the people outside of it.
This kind of love teaches you so much about your worth. It helps you understand your past while laying the groundwork for the future you want. It shows you strength in reinforcing your boundaries, and never settling.

In the last couple of years, I’ve opened myself back up to relationships, despite my mind’s constant protest and reminding me of when I said I’ll never get married.
While I would like to say that I’ve gotten right, things don’t always go the way you plan them. You make choices hoping they’re the right one, you go on dates and think okay, maybe this is it, but it doesn’t always pan out.

I spent 8 months with someone going through motions, and realized I was wasting time delaying the inevitable.

That’s when something really strange happened.

Enter, the love I never saw coming. The love that waltzed through a door I never realized I left open. The love that indubitably changed everything.
To be honest, I don’t know what I was expecting, but it surely was not that. As far as I’m concerned, we were the only 2 people that existed in the world that night, because at that moment, the world that I knew, completely changed.
It’s been the love that has challenged and tested me. It’s the love that has taught me patience, it’s the love that has taught me the art of intention and forgiveness. It’s the love that has shown me it’s okay to fight and it’s okay to fail. It’s the love that has had me break down some traumatic barriers in my past, to make way for a brighter future. In short, it’s the love that has taught me to rise into the incredible privilege of love.

My heart has brought me so much comfort and peace, lately. It has shown me the most profound depths of my soul. It has taught me grace and compassion. It has taught me, not only how to heal others, but myself in ways that make a difference. It has also taught me, that I can’t fix everyone, and that sometimes you have to relinquish control, and that’s okay. My heart has taught me a lot about forgiveness, and it really is more for yourself than anyone else.

There really was a certain point in my life where I felt I could never love again. I legitimately thought, that it just was not for me. I actually believed my life would just be a cluster fuck of relationships and failures to launch.

I’m seeing myself on the other side of that now, though,and I honestly can’t help but laugh at who I was a few years ago.
All of this to say, be kind to yourself in the big ways and the little ways too. Practice loving speech in the mirror every morning, and say something sweet to yourself before you get lost in dreams.
The more you practice love for yourself, the more you’re opening yourself up to seeing that love and so much more returned to you.

I wish you all well. I wish you all love.

-Amanda