Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Kismet?

Here’s what I believe. I truly and whole-heartedly believe that when you make plans, God (or the Universe) laughs. Hysterically.

And I’m not talking a mere giggle, oh no, I am talking, laughing so damn hard to the point where there are tears, there’s no sound coming out except for the occasional wheeze to wind the laugh back up again.

But I truly believe that everything in this life happens for a reason. I no longer believe in accidents or coincidences. I believe that everything in this life is divinely orchestrated to some degree.

Now, a few years ago, I probably would have told you that’s horseshit (sorry I just got back from a trip and the smell of literal horseshit is still kind of permeated in my nostrils). But now… Now. Things are different. I have seen the way life has played out not only for me, but those around me. I’ve witnessed miracles, first hand. I’ve seen the beauty and joy and pain and suffering of those closest to me and the destination that journey has brought us all to.

In my own life, I truly thought that things were left to chance. To some degree, I know and am of the belief that I’m the author of my life. I create these badass stories (both literal and figurative) of how my life has and should play out. Part of that, is because I have this need to be in control of damn near every aspect of my life. We can talk about the toxic trait this can fester into at another time. I know that the need to be in control exists because of trauma.

So imagine my surprise when things started happening in my life that no matter how hard I tried to control them, they would always end up transpiring in ways I never expected.

I learned that once you surrender control, fate steps in and handles the rest.

It is absolutely no secret that I have struggled with religion as a man made construct. I have vocally denounced the ways that people utilize religious texts and weaponize them as the end to justify their means.

Consequently, this struggle lead to many years of my life where I felt like I wasn’t sure if God, or any higher being for that matter, existed. I’ll be honest, there are still some days where I don’t know if I can call out for certain “who” I believe in. However, I feel that in the grand scheme of things, that’s okay. Because what *does* exist, what has gotten stronger, despite my disdain for religion, is my faith. I’m finally in a place in my life where I can accept that something much larger is always at work in my life.

And the thought that some higher being is pulling some strings and opening doors I’ve yet to see is comforting. It’s allowed me to loosen the reigns and let go of my constant need for control. Honestly, other than healing and self-love, that’s probably been the other biggest lesson and obstacle I have had to make a dent in to so that I can begin to overcome it. I never realized how much I enjoy taking control of things until now that I’ve realized how good it feels to let go. I’ve allowed fate to handle some situations in my life and I am beginning to see the purpose and the intent behind them. And when it comes to dating, I’m learning to let other leads (a little – come on – be serious. I’m naturally a planner so it wouldn’t be very authentic of me if I didn’t plan a little, right?!)

I think that’s the other part about letting go of control and letting others lead. It’s allowed me to tap into some feminine energy I haven’t really had to time to be present with. I don’t feel this constant need to lean in anymore, and so in some way, I feel like I’m evolving into the woman I was always meant to be. I’m a lot more cognizant of how I’m showing up and allowing myself to get of that masculine and domineering space I’ve kept myself in for so long. I realized that that version of myself served me well while I needed her. She kept me whole, strong, always on guard. In turn, though, I think that sitting so long in my masculine kept me out of touch with myself and kept others at arms length from being able to see and experience the real me.

Lately, I feel safe. Safe to be myself, safe to be a woman. I see it in the way I show up, in the little ways and the big ways, too. I see it in how I carry conversation, I see it in the way I’m choosing to move through the world. I have found the balance between being delicate and strong, and I find myself able to vocalize and advocate better for my needs and desires.

This balanced version of me has truly allowed me to open up more as a mom. I find myself being a much better mother to my son as I am far more patient and attuned to his needs than ever before, which is a far cry away from where I was 4-5 years ago. I also find myself in the position to be a far better lover than before. With no longer feeling the need to control every aspect of my interpersonal relationships, I know that I will always end up wherever and with whomever I am supposed to be with.

I used to laugh at the thought of “everything happens for a reason.” I think I used to say it just for the sake of saying it. I don’t think I ever really anticipated the ways in which fate would take my life and shape it. And now, I’m humbled. Greatly. And what else could I possibly do but share my experiences and express my gratitude?

I used to think that I wasn’t worthy of all the good things that have happened in my life, and from conversations with a lot of the people closest to me, I know that I was never alone in feeling that way. What has transpired in my life this year has taught me and reinforced the fact that I am an inherently good person for whom good things have and will continue to happen to. I am deserving of all that I have and of all of the things that have yet come to pass.

I need you to believe that, too. You are deserving of kindness, of grace, of mercy. You deserve any and every good thing that can possibly happen to you. Sometimes, though, you have to go through some really shitty situations in order to grow through to what is meant for you. The view from the other side is beautiful, though, I promise.

“Destiny is a series of detours.”

I recently re-watched one of my favorite shows, Jane the Virgin, and I heard one of the main characters reading those words in a letter.
And it hit me. Hard.

As someone that looks as her life as this ever-sprawling map, I could see how through much of my adult life the main road would have detours springing from it. Some of them scenic, some of them tragic, but all of them necessary. All of them have shaped and colored my life into the interesting mosaic that it is today. These detours have taught me appreciation, respect, and trust.

All I can say is that I’m so thankful that I finally learned to let go of expectations and let destiny intercede on my behalf. It’s allowed me to tap into this beautiful new era of my life that I know is bound to bring in countless blessings.