I’m in a very weird place these days. If anyone would have told me six months ago that I would be contemplating everything I know about myself, I’d say they were lying. Yet here I am, in the early hours of the morning, trying to figure out exactly who the fuck I am these days.

To be clear, I’ve always been painfully self aware, and in a general sense I *do* know who I am. Lately, though, I feel like I’m downloading the latest software update. There’s a new version of me that’s available that I’m not quite so sure about yet.

I’ve recently found myself at ground zero in several aspects of my life. Family, career, love… Everything I knew imploded. Nothing has gone according to plan, and to be quite frank, I haven’t fully recovered from all of it. The roads I thought I was traveling down have abruptly ended, and I now find myself trying to pivot and find new roads to travel down. But what if…

What if, instead of searching frantically (as I tend to do) to find the roadmap for the future, I take some time to just enjoy this unexpected rest stop? What if the lesson I’m meant to learn right now is to be still? Or throw caution to the wind?

What I can say is that I’m in a much deeper self-discovery mode than I have ever been in. I have come to realize that the things I thought I wanted were or are not the things that I need. And I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I have no idea what my needs are these days, but the time to begin figuring that out is happening now.

This new version of me that is emerging is bringing up a lot of things I had preferred to keep locked away and forgotten. In my quietest moments, I find myself reliving moments that bring me an immense amount of pain, sadness, anger, guilt and shame. It’s been happening a lot over the last couple of months and it’s damn near become unbearable. I think somewhere, deep down, my brain is just trying to purge a lot of what I’ve repressed or simply put off from feeling. Too often have I turned off my emotions or said “it is what it is” just to make it through another day.

I live in my head a lot more lately as I’ve been trying to make peace with a lot of things that have happened or decisions I’ve had to make. I have also been working very hard on forgiving myself and being kinder to myself in general.

I recognize that this is going to get very uncomfortable for me while I try to navigate all of this, and honestly, I’ve been scared out of my fucking mind. The girl that has always had a plan is suddenly flying by the seat of her pants.

It’s funny, as a true Sagittarius, I have always embraced adventure in the great wide somewhere. I suffer from the worst case of wanderlust, and I long for so many places I have yet to see. For years, I have been saying “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” Somehow, I think that that version of me has been preparing me for this moment. I have been on countless journeys before, knowing exactly where I was headed, but for the first time ever, there’s no destination is in sight.

In truth, I don’t know what I’m scared of. Is it fear of losing myself? Is it fear of finding myself? Or is it that I have to lose myself a little to find who I’m supposed to be? And I know all this shit sound likes philosophical phuckery but this is the never ceasing inner dialogue that I have every damn day.

To anyone reading this who finds themselves at a similar crossroads, you have my deepest sympathy. Whatever road lies ahead will most likely not be easy, but ever the optimist, I am willing to bet that it’ll be worth it.

– A